Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey Actually Leader of Money Laundering Scheme

By Charlotte Dekle

WASHINGTON, DC — In another move of flagrant disregard for the law, President Donald Juniper Trump has pardoned Arnold McHugginstuff, a turkey recently convicted of money laundering. 

McHugginstuff, owner of Hugginstuff laundromat in Bethesda, MD, was arrested in 2018 for running a-fowl with money for the “Cold Turkey” gang, a cadre of wild turkeys associated with former Soviet oligarchs. McHugginstuff was interrogated and stripped from snood to spur for information, but refused to gobble. Later, he was ratted out by Paul Manafort. 

“Arnold McHugginstuff is all turkey, when he took showers with the other turkeys in prison, they came out of there, they said, ‘Oh my God, that’s unbelievable. Arnie, you’re pardoned. I’ve pardoned better than anyone has ever pardoned before. ‘” Trump said in his 45-minute speech pardoning McHugginstuff. 

In a statement released by McHugginstuff on his pardon, he wrote, “I would like to start by giving thanks to President Trump for his gracious pardon. I’m now a free bird. To my haters, get stuffed.”