By Finn Rollings
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As The Sack of Troy’s Capitol Hill Correspondent and Resident Empath, I just know I couldn’t handle being nominated and voted on for Speaker of the House. Personally, I’d break down and make it everyone’s problem.
Think about it… Your coworkers, the people you eat lunch around, the people whom you talk about The Golden Bachelor with at the water cooler, the people whom you peek at over the urinal dividers (and definitely compare sizes with) – those people are going to gather and vote on whether they think you can hang or not. Just shoot me.
I mean, “at least it’s private,” you say– NOPE! A public vote on “Is this guy chill? Like, do we actually like him?” is going to be televised in real time on C-SPAN to every single person in the world who cares enough to watch C-SPAN. Which isn’t a lot, but that’s still WAY too many. And they’re really rude about it too. I mean when McCarthy was being voted out they literally would shout “Yay!” like psychopaths. They drag out the process too. Like, the voting process does not have to be this extensive, guys. Haven’t they ever heard of a Google Form?
Frankly, I don’t care what level of government you serve, how important your job is, or how public your bad-boy persona is. How are these guys not having full-on emotional breakdowns? I’m tearing up right now just thinking about poor Jimmy J and the gang going through vote after merciless vote. Have any of these representatives had a hug recently? Like a good, honest, two-armed bear hug? Might solve a lot.