By Scott Altsuler
Caption: Just wait until after the Instagram post
- Barbie and Ken (Barbie)
- After the cultural phenomenon of Barbie, Halloween 2023 is gonna have an overwhelming number of Barbies and Kens. So, this will make you two just like every other unbearably heterosexual couple! You can bribe him by mentioning he can serenade partygoers with his shitty bass guitar. Put on some Matchbox Twenty, let him call his crumb-floored studio apartment his “Mojo Dojo Casa House,” and take comfort in the fact that every other “Barbie and Ken” situationship will be broken up by next month too.
- Ariel and Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
- While all your friends are raving over how great you look with box-dyed red hair, Prince Eric has already spilled Coors Lite and pizza grease on his stark white button-down. Not to mention, you’re struggling to remember the last time he actually made it better down where it’s wetter. Don’t worry, in a week, he won’t be “part of your world” anymore!
- Walter and Skyler White (Breaking Bad)
- He’s not your “partner in crime” anymore, so be “the one who knocks” his ass to the curb! Just dress like a regular suburban milf and smoke a cigarette in the corner, which is your favorite party activity anyways. He won’t care. Your Heisenbae’s too busy readjusting his bald cap and frantically yelling “Jesse!!! Jesse!!! We have to cook!!!” … Oh look … he’s actually smoking meth now and claiming he’s method acting. Great.
- Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner
- Look, I’ll be honest. I like Joe Jonas. But she’s taller than him AND she’s bisexual. He never stood a chance. Let Sansa Stark inspire you to declare yourself an independent kingdom. Now go throw your 5’7” “short king” boyfriend back into his hobbit hole and change your Tinder settings back to “Women Only.”
- Kitana and Johnny Cage (Mortal Kombat)
- The characters aren’t even a couple so this is good preparation for avoiding cuffing season this November. This is the perfect opportunity e to dress like a sexy ninja and make some TikToks with that sound that goes “Kitana wins! Flawless victory!” It’s also a great way to boost his ego. He’ll think he has abs, but you know that after two cups of Jungle Juice, he’ll puff up so much that he’ll claim he’s wearing a Kirby costume.
- Batman and Catwoman (DC Comics)
- Nobody has been curved more in superhero history than Bruce Wayne has been by Selina Kyle. Be like Catwoman by dumping him and taking his money! And as a bonus, he’s gonna have to wear a mask all night, so you won’t have to see his stupid face. It’ll be just like the pillow case you put over his head when you have your once-a-month sex!
- Peanut Butter and Asbestos
- You just don’t go together. Don’t pretend like you do. In fact, you’re disgusting together.
- You know those horse costumes where one person is the front and the other is the back?
Make him the ass that he is.
- Statler and Waldorf (The Muppets)
- You’re basically like them already because of how you like each other when you shit-talk other people. You make fun of your friends for their oily skin, their nicotine addictions, and even their horrible relationships. Couples are so mean, especially on Halloween. “You know, babe, their Barbie and Ken costumes are pretty.” “Yeah! Pretty fucking basic!” This is the closest you’ve felt to each other in months.
- Jack and Rose (Titanic)
- Let his ass drown.