By Levi Elias
COLUMBUS, OH — When you turned 17, you took two left turns (one of them with a signal) while a heavy-set man with a clipboard judged your choice of wearing mesh shorts with that neon Under Armor hoodie. From that, you acquired the greatest treasure known to mankind: a driver’s license. This precious artifact signifies that you are a being of supreme intellect, and therefore, you do not need to abide by society’s laws. You have a license that proves your superior motor vehicle maneuvering abilities that transcends traffic law. Here is a list of street signs that you can read and say to yourself, “Nah, I’m good,” as you proceed to ignore them:
1. The audacity of this sign! It believes it can bring your mighty reign to a halt just by being red and an octagon. No command will ever bring an end to your moderately paced, cruise-controlled 2011 Acura Integra chariot. Stop signs are only for non-luxury cars.
2. America was founded on the principles of Manifest Destiny. To venture beyond the known world into an expanded realm of potential opportunities is your birth-given right! No Commie sign can infringe on your liberties as an American citizen. No matter what the oncoming traffic says. Last I checked, this is America, goddammit! Land of the free and home of the trespasser!
3. Not only is the road a place for you to achieve glorious victory through speed, but it can also help train the driver’s license obtainees of the future. Children enjoy sprinting next to cars in attempts of outrunning the vehicle on foot. By going slow, you will only breed a generation of weakness and contempt, allowing the children to win with ease. It is your duty to engrain the spirit of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears into these children so that one day they will grow up to be worthy competitors.
4. Participating in sexual intercourse while operating your vehicle is a benefit of having a spacious Acura Integra and a consenting partner with a fulfilling relationship. But the regulatory pace that you choose to maintain while getting your hump on is your choice only. The government has no right to encourage an accelerated pace in your personal genital-genital interactions behind the wheel.
5. Someone else’s poor financial planning is none of your concern. Respect is only given to those with licenses. Bicycles have no honor. Any child or foolish adult could pedal a two-wheeled aluminum clown wire into the street. Feel free to pancake all cyclists into the ground. As the saying goes “Got no motor? Run ‘em over.” Get those bonus points.
6. Sizeism is an ever-increasing problem in this world we deem a society. Restricting access to areas simply because someone has a rather large posterior, which many may call a “dump truck badonkadonk,” is unacceptable. As an advocate for the social liberties of all shapes and sizes of people, you will not let this slide. You must take justice into your own hands to ensure everyone lives freely.
7. You are not a turtle. Therefore, this sign does not apply to you.
8. Drugs are overrunning your schools because signs like these find it acceptable to ignore the economic factors that determine the traditional prices of retail drug sales. By having them freely available in school zones, it undermines the entire illustrious capitalist system that you hold dear. If these kids want drugs so bad, they can buy them at market price just like everyone else.
9. Alcohol is fuel. Fuel for the mind. It is the nitrous oxide for your brain that propels you into greatness. It clears the mind of toxins so that you can focus on conquering the quest at hand. And right now, that quest is turning, swerving, and reversing your way to enlightenment at the end of the great road in the sky. Amen.
10. You pay Mint mobile $11.99 a month so you can text your compatriots without limit anywhere you choose. Driving only requires one hand, and you were gifted with two. That other hand is genetically designed to send witty messages and dolphin emojis. Your eyes may gaze at whatever you so choose. I’d look out for that Honda Odyssey though, it has the right of way. Seriously, watch out for the mini-van. Dude! Oh shit! You just T-boned that Honda Odyssey filled with children! Are you okay? There’s so much blood! The Integra is ruined! Not your baby! Not your Acura Integra! You’re gonna sue that Maroon Honda Odyssey driver’s ass for everything they got. Who cares that you had a stop sign and you killed two of their daughters? They scratched the Integra. And that’s punishable by death.