By Bill Rockas
AUSTIN, TX – After multiple rejections, Economics major Carl Smattford has resorted to explaining the quantifiable value his prospective partners could expect from him.
Smattford is a self-proclaimed eight in terms of physical appearance, but his personality is so insipid and cruel that it docks him six points overall. With a net attraction of two, he has convinced himself that a case must be made for his appeal. “First, I explain that I am a man of means. At twenty years old with a place in my rich uncle’s will and a cheap ax I forged myself, financial issues will never be a concern,” Smattford relays without charisma. “In an oversaturated market of horny singles, I approach partners I find only moderately desirable in hopes of cornering the market. I remind them of their lack of appeal to incentivize business.”
After his initial proclamation, his prey typically begins to exit, at which point Smattford gets that much more annoying. “I tell them I can cook for two if the meals are both microwavable. I open doors, and sometimes I open them for my partner. I walk on the side of the street closest to where I believe loose change would be left. I will never flirt with their friends unless they are significantly hotter than my partner or mention hedge funds.” Smattford’s strategy has yet to yield any buyers, but he is convinced he is not the problem, but rather the market is faulty.
Though he is lonely, local bars have employed Smattford when wishing to clear out crowds. Sheila Dobble, a community bar owner praised his abilities stating, “He doesn’t even have to say anything anymore. He just enters with his pocket protector and his stack of spreadsheets at which point, everyone knows to clear out. He’s the greatest bouncer of all time.” He has made a substantial sum from this gig and proposed marriage to his paycheck.