By Bill Rockas
LOS ANGELES, CA – USC football fans are shocked after the reveal that defensive coordinator Alex Grinch is actually just an Etsy “Welcome” doormat with a headset.
The controversy has rocked the campus following tonight’s game but also put a lot of previous circumstances into better context. Defensive lineman Korey Foreman explains, “Every time out, we would rush over to Alex, and he’d give us the same one-word advice. We were to be hospitable to our enemies, let them tread wherever they decided, and remove any gunk on the bottom of their shoes. Knowing what we know now, I am embarrassed to have laid face down on the field so many times”.
There have been several calls to fire Grinch, especially because of his close personal connection with head coach Lincoln Riley. Upon hearing that Grinch’s secret is public news, Riley responded, “Oh yeah?! Could a doormat do this?” revealing a friendship bracelet made of mud and leaves he scraped off the mat.