By Liam Stephenson
LOS ANGELES, CA – Pixar fans and insufferable people rejoice! Disney has released the trailer to “Five Stars,” the sequel to Ratatouille that follows a charming young guinea pig with a knack for writing witty Letterboxd reviews.
Paul Dano is set to star as the lead, Archibald Berrycloth McDocile Jr Sr, a Doc Marten wearing guinea pig who gets a rush from talking over female rodents and is wondering if you happen to have any menthol flavored bedding. The film is set to follow Archibald after he is rejected by NYU Tisch for being “too indie, even for us.” Archibald then meets a cinema studies grad student named Finnegan Pipwilly Sweepstakes IX, also voiced by Paul Dano, in an overpriced record store. The two bond over their shared hatred of the Bechdel test and burning hot takes like “Jimmy Fallon really isn’t that funny.” The story picks up after Archibald uses Finnigan’s account to write a review of Chalamet’s performance in The French Dispatch. The review goes viral, so the two must team up to maintain Finnigan’s rising internet fame among bicurious 20-something year olds.
Dano prepared for the role by single-handedly gentrifying an entire low income neighborhood in New York City. “I used my The Batman money to replace every local restaurant with a Salt & Straw.” Dano, however, being the sweetheart he is, felt bad. “I felt truly dreadful seeing all those poor people with no pigslop to eat. So, to balance out my bad deed, I went to three other neighborhoods and did the same exact thing. Y’know, Yang and Yang.” Dano then bowed, racistly.
A few directors have been attached to the project, but most of them were quickly fired. Christopher Nolan signed on and insisted that the movie start at the middle, end at the beginning, and generally make no fucking sense to the human brain. He also refused to use CGI, despite the movie being 3D animated. Quentin Tarantino briefly worked on the project, but was fired after he was caught secretly deleting the animated shoe models off of each character. Clint Eastwood was also fired, but nobody could yell loud enough for him to hear so he is still on the empty set yelling commands. Martin Scorsese ended up directing the film, which explains the 39 hour runtime.
The world’s toughest critics remain in harsh debate over the film, with the New York Times calling it “whatever the LA Times said” and the LA Times calling it “whatever the New York Times said.” The two publications then agreed to offload their opinion to the Guardian, who is still waiting on USA Today’s opinion, but they haven’t seen the film yet. The film still remains unreviewed, as the funniest Letterboxd one liner has yet to be written.
However, Hollywood is already working on another follow up, in which rabies-ridden squirrels write for a college satirical newspaper. The working title of the film is “The Sack of Troy.”
Image attributions: Modified from PaulDano 007 By Romina Espinosa at http://www.rominaespinosa.com/, CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons