By Izzy Ster and Bill Rockas
Glitz! Glamour! Whites! Sack of Troy has all the accurate predictions made for the 2022 Oscars after getting the exclusive insider scoop from a wise old oracle who loves industry gossip. So enjoy the future today!
Toothless Will Smith slap jokes will kill with your aunt
When Jimmy Kimmel comes onstage in full riot gear and promises to “keep wife names out of his mouth” a year after its relevance or controversy, your aunt who has a passing familiarity with the incident will delightfully respond with “oh I get it” and a minion Facebook meme.
Your Letterboxd account will be pulled up onscreen for the entirety of America to laugh at
The Oscars have always been ridiculed for their voting preferences, but this year they finally turn the knife back around. A large screen will jump to life with your Letterboxd account. It will be mocked mercilessly for putting scores too high or too low. The Whale deserved a 5 and The Fabelmans deserved a 3 with a heart, you fucking dunce.
In a desperate attempt to copy Nickelodeon’s sliming of celebrities, the crew of Tár will have hot, molten tar spill down from the ceiling and horrifically melt their skin off
Watch out Cate Blanchett, the end is nearly here! The genius minds and hearts of Tár will be disintegrated in a gruesome, bloody mess followed by an addition of feathers. The audience will then laugh and engage in light applause.
Best Boom Mic will go to Phillip Towerson, an obvious, offensive snub to industry darling Howard Mebble
Don’t shoot the messenger! The spry Phillip Towerson will finally snatch that gold out of Howard Mebble’s beloved grip. Expect riots to ensue soon after.
When showing clips from Women Talking all the men in the audience will simultaneously talk over it while explaining how they would make that movie much better.
Despite not having seen the movie, or film, as they will correct you on, the entire male audience will be activated by their insistence that they could perfect the film Women Talking while simultaneously claiming “and it’s not because they’re women, they just need some guidance”.
The Best Picture winners will get booed offstage. The audience will then cheer for the unnominated Black Adam to win and will continue destroying the theater until their needs are met.
Half-way through the announcement of the Best Picture winner, Tom Cruise will rip his chair off the floor and throw it at the stage. The entire audience will erupt into screaming while also reciting “I kneel before no one!!!” a quote from the beloved Black Adam. After it wins, everyone will cheer and become too distracted quoting the movie to show the “In Memoriam”.
Austin Butler will talk about how he’s speaking in his regular voice. Seriously, guys!
After clearing his voice for several minutes to achieve the desired smolder, Butler assured, “Uhh, uh huh, yes, darling. I’ve always sounded like this.” He will also reveal that in true dedication to his craft, he has decided to die on his toilet seat.”
Spielberg will deny The Fabelmans is simply about his love of movies and not a two and a half hour excuse for his mommy issues
“I don’t have issues with my mother, I swear,” Spielberg argued while pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I just haven’t been able to trust any female in my entire life and have a deep-rooted fear of intimacy.”
Marcel the Shell will wear a full Prada suit on the Red carpet
And he will look damn smartly dressed while doing so.
Everything Everywhere All At Once will not win Best Picture. They will win Oscar, a 60 foot tall gold man, in the Alphaverse
In the Alphaverse, renowned actress Michelle Yeoh, notable for her work in Standing Lion and Apparent Unicorn, will add googly eyes to Oscar, Coraline style.