Taylor Swift Donates to USC to Replace “Fryft” with “Fryvate Jet” Program

By Liam Stephenson

LOS ANGELES, CA – Philanthropist and occasional Grammy winning musician Taylor Swift has donated ten of her spare private jets to replace USC’s “Fryft” program with the all new “Fryvate Jet” program.

Swift made the decision after secretly taking a Thornton music class under her alias, Olivia Rodrigo. She commented on her Fryft-adjacent experience to the press, stating, “I saw students getting into these shortened limos to get around, and it horrified me. It’s like getting kidnapped on purpose.” The interviewer then explained to her that these “shortened limos” were, in fact, cars. “I’m so sorry you know that,” she responded, giving the interviewer a kiss on the nose.

Swift then spoke to USC president Carol Folt, who agreed with her that Fryft was a dehumanizing, stupid, stupid idea. The two also agreed that the school wasn’t making enough carbon emissions, and the Good Samaritan kindly donated ten of her oil guzzling jets to solve the problem. To further ensure that USC is efficiently trashing God’s green Earth, Folt has rescinded the school’s plastic water bottle ban and made all USC resources into single use plastics. This includes plastic water bottles, plastic school supplies, plastic professors, and even plastic dining hall food, which will keep the same recipe.

“What’s wrong with climate change?” said Folt with her classic, blinding smile. “I could change the climate in this room right now.” She proceeded to light a wad of endowment money on fire. Folt also wants Fryvate jet pilots to be a diverse group, claiming students of all “majors, flying experience, and ranges of vision” should apply for the job. 

The TSA has enlisted DPS officers to pat down students before each flight, which they are very excited about. “I do that anyway,” bragged Bert, a veteran DPS officer who serves and protects by harassing freshman girls outside of Spudnuts. 

The range of the Fryvate jet will remain the same as the current model since Swift doesn’t see why anyone would need it for a journey more than a few hundred feet. Air traffic is predicted to be an issue, as the jets will interfere with LAPD helicopters tasked with aimlessly circling USC.

Regardless of the program’s outcome, Taylor Swift continues to impress with promotion for her new album, “Bright, Air Polluted LA Midnights.”

Image attributions

David Shankbone is licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons

Nuclear explosion by Gerald Simmons is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0