By Malaya Galindez
Forgot yesterday was Valentine’s Day? You’re not alone. Women everywhere are questioning why they picked their stupid, amnesiac, medium ugly boyfriends over literally anyone else. There’s no way your roommate Kelly thinks Aaron from WRIT 150 is “the one” when his idea of a first date is lukewarm dinner at Parkside followed by a mediocre dry hump session in the depths of New North. If you want to lock down your lover before she’s sobbing over settling, here are 10 gifts to convince her to stay:
- Mildly Deflated Balloon
A balloon that’s barely staying afloat? It’s a perfect metaphor for your relationship! Very meta. It’s also trendy! Environmentalism is IN even though helium is running OUT. You’re actually saving the world one deflated “Get Well Soon!” balloon at a time.
- Ultra Rare League Skins
“You don’t care about my passions!” your girlfriend yaps. Yet, why would you ever give a shit about her cringey “slam poetry” when ChatGPT can do it better? Instead, hook her on YOUR hobby, League of Legends. Gift her skins like “French Maid” and “Headmistress” to transform her into the loser of your dreams, just like you are for her! Soon, she’ll forget her fantasy of dating people who weigh more than 110 pounds and only worry about carrying your weight on the Rift.
- Framed Photo of “The Last Good Day”
Remember the last time you spent money on her? Of course not, because the last time that happened was at a nice, romantic dinner at Applebee’s three years ago. Why not remind her of the last good anniversary you two have had in the course of your five year relationship? Plus, it’s a great picture of you and the Rio De Janeiro Instagram filters hides the fact that she’s crying in it.
- Blood of Your Enemy’s Firstborn Child
Demonstrate your masculinity and strength by teaching her middle school boyfriend Jared a lesson! By hunting down his five-year-old son before he boards the bus, you’ll assert dominance. Plus, you can now perform a blood pact with your girlfriend, and gain the blessing of the Old Gods! Wait, you could get the death penalty for that? Nevermind …
- A Single Juul Hit
Can’t keep her addicted to your sweet, sweet loving? No better way to keep her coming back than a nicotine addiction! If high school taught you anything beyond algebra, it’s that even one puff is enough to fuck up the rest of your life. Why not hers? Eventually, her brain will incorrectly credit that dopamine hit to your presence. Pavlov’s law for the win!
- Her Recently Deceased Puppy’s Dog Collar
This unorthodox gift is a surefire way to spice up your relationship. By designating her as private property (complete with her newly inscribed pet name, Fluffy), you’ll overshadow your concrete commitment issues and prove you’ll take care of her. That’s what America’s all about! It’ll help her finally get over how you “accidentally” ran over her Pomeranian last week (even though the tiny bastard deserved it after he took a dump in your Honda Civic).
- The Netflix Password
Even after explaining why password sharing violates your Reaganomics morals of individuals laboring for distractions to their bleak lives, she still calls you a “Big Tech Bootlicker” and “Gatekeeping Prick.” This love season, add her as a user. She’ll join the existing profiles of your estranged father, kid brother, and high school ex who’s viewing history you regularly peek at.
- Bony Body Pillow
Is your girlfriend refusing to sleep with you because she’s “tired” and “not because she doesn’t find you attractive anymore”? Make her know what she’s missing with this hyper realistic body pillow of yourself. It’s incredibly lifelike, including your ungodly amounts of back hair, copious amounts of sweat, and even moans if you squeeze it a little too hard!
- Proof of Employment
Since streaming unranked Clash Royale matches to three viewers everyday apparently isn’t “a real job,” impress your girl by showing your proof of employment. Even though it’s from your last stable job, which was when you worked at an Arby’s during high school, it’ll make her swoon and remind her that “you have the meats.” Even better, switch up career paths entirely and convince her that scamming 15-year-olds on crypto Discord servers is a great way to receive steady income, babe!
- Craigslist Threesome
Uh oh, looks like your gifts have backfired… Only way to save your relationship now is by opening it up. The more, the merrier, right? Surely inviting this random woman to hook up with will make your girlfriend love you more. If you close your eyes the entire time, it’ll be easier to pretend that they aren’t both ignoring you and only touching each other. Well, it was hot while it lasted.