Missed Connections Found Maimed, Castrated, and Dead; Datamatch Primary Suspect

by Maura Ende

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – USC Missed Connections has been found dead at the ripe age of two, and after a brief investigation, DPS has identified Datamatch, the algorithmic matchmaking service for college students by college students, as the primary suspect behind the gruesome murder.

Datamatch connects participating USC students with potential friends or lovers after they complete a brief survey composed of clever questions written by the award-winning The Sack of Troy staff. Of course, before executing a successful launch, the service had to take care of its main competition.

Many Trojans commemorate USC Missed Connections’ legacy: offering socially inept and pathetically timid students a rare opportunity to engage in virtual PDA beyond the confines of Reddit (though it also often verges on sexual harassment protected by online anonymity).

Fortunately, the account’s murderer also serves as its successor: Datamatch is readily equipped to handle all your matchmaking needs. Beyond connecting you with your peers, Datamatch guarantees your algorithmically proven soulmate will actually be aware of your existence. The Boy With A New Yorker Tote Standing At The Village Fountain At 3:47 P.M. On Tuesday is not your soulmate. He did not even notice you ogling him.

Anyway, rest in peace, USC Missed Connections. You will be sorely missed. Well, until you inevitably fade into oblivion and only resurrect as a nostalgic conversation piece at our college reunions.