“New Year, New Me!” Says Woman Whose Greatest Fear is Change

By Izzy Ster

LOS ANGELES, CA – In light of the New Year, a local woman who hasn’t changed anything about herself since 2012 is claiming she will change her life for the better in 2023.

Shelby Bennet, an aspiring writer and frequent stress eater of Trader Joe’s Sharp Cheddar Cheese Cracker Cuts, claimed she will take drastic steps in bettering her life and in becoming much less insufferable in the new year. “2021 is going to be my year! Wait, is it 2022?” Bennet inquired as she shrugged and continued to doomscroll on Twitter in the sweatshirt she stole from her high school boyfriend.

In addition to adapting a new workout regimen, which includes actually exercising instead of buying matching workout sets and making “HYPE WORKOUT TUNES” playlists on Spotify, Bennet has decided to attack her poor habits, such as her hindered motivation. “I saw a TikTok about a girl making a vision board, so my best friend Haley and I are going to have a wine night and make them! We’ve only hung out with one another since middle school cause like, we’re the only ones who get one another.” 

Other items on Bennet’s resolutions list include the following: “Try an Aperol spritz. Set a monthly budget and don’t rely on my allowance from chores. Try out at least one new hobby a month. Any hobby. SOMETHING new!”

Bennet has decided to adopt a new philosophy in her love life as well. “Look, just because I’m leaving the new year with the same guy who I entered 2018 with doesn’t mean I’m not fun anymore! He’ll always be my midnight kiss and I’ll always pretend I don’t see him making out with Haley in the corner of the same basement party we’ve been going to for almost a decade. New year, new me!”