BREAKING: Ye Caught Stealing Jewish Kids’ Gifts From Under Tree All Along

By Joshua Wolk

WHOVILLE — After waking up little Cindy-Lou Whoberg, Ye was caught tip-toeing into a Jewish household and stealing all the presents under the Christmas tree, along with the tree itself.

“I’ve hated the Jews ever since a Jewish doctor misdiagnosed my heart as two sizes too small,” explained the rapper formerly known as Kanye West. “He also said I have bipolar disorder, when I’m actually just an erratic, elitist prick that throws tantrums when someone tells me no.”

The rapper then blew his dog whistle to signal white supremacist and new pet, Nick Fuentes, who soon arrived panting, wagging his tail, and wielding a giant teleprompter scrolling through anti-semitic talking points. 

Ye’s first dog, Max, has officially disaffiliated himself from the rapper, though others have struggled to pull the plug.

“Look. He’s a rapper, not a historian,” explained emotionally-conflicted Ye fan, Chris, blaring Donda from his tinny iPhone 5 speakers. “Separate the artist from the art, merch, ticket sales, royalties, and brand deals.”

While Jewish children are saddened by their stolen presents, Ye’s rhetoric will have greater repercussions.

“Jewish hate crimes have skyrocketed. The hateful drivel espoused by Mr. West to his millions of fans will undoubtedly encourage even more violence against the Jewish community,” warned Rabbi Shlomo Green from behind two of the armed security guards that we position outside every synagogue in America to prevent arson, hostage situations, and mass shootings

At press time, Ye was seen cutting down all the Truffula trees and knitting Thneeds embroidered with swastikas.