By Levi Elias
CONCORD, CA – After a long absence, the Kinder Surprise is finally making its big return to the United States with a brand new adult toy collection.
Though they were originally banned for being a ‘choking hazard,’ the manufacturer claims to have found a loophole, because the FDA can’t ban them if the toys are meant to be choked on, right? “No it cannot.” claims the Kinder Corporation, “Choking is no longer a hazard, it’s our guarantee. And it has never tasted sweeter! Choke on that FDA!” A trial testing consumer satisfaction has found that guarantee to be quite accurate, as 99% of those tested started choking, 43% of the tested spit it out afterward, and 57% swallowed.
For this collection, Kinder is teaming up with Spencer’s to create the ultimate gag gift, as well as the ultimate gag. Each egg has a classic Spencer’s surprise inside, from the anal compounder 5000, to the 46 pronged Tyrannosaurus Rex chode, and even a Johnnie Cochran blowup bondage doll! With 62 other penetratingly awesome toys, you can try to collect them all! Perhaps in that special built-in pocket of yours!
Kinder is also working with McDonald’s to form a three-way partnership so that each Happy Meal comes with its own Kinder Egg + Spencer’s Surprise, because nothing says happiness (or a threesome) quite like a 14-inch purple schlong with your Chicken McNuggets.
Of course, don’t forget about the chocolate itself, because butt plugs always taste better covered in chocolate!