Local Dirtbag So Far From Holiness Village Mormons Beg Her Not to Convert

By Lili Adkins 

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA––After a duo of Mormons stopped USC sophomore Janet Pierce outside Dulce last Tuesday, she expressed earnest interest in joining the religion. However, after a brief encounter with Pierce, the missionaries soon realized that her demeanor was so godless and vile that they had no choice but to discourage her from joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

Pierce, an avid Redditor, self-identified Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and Gender and Sexuality Studies major from Long Beach describes feeling somewhat shocked that the missionaries spoke to her in the first place. 

“Most of the time, all the Mormons avoid eye contact when I walk past… I guess I’m just a little different from the other girls on campus. Guys usually like that I’m unique and quirky and stuff, but I’m too wacky, too out-there for the missionaries,” she sighs, pushing a clump of unwashed, poorly-executed-box-dyed hair behind her ears. “I figured this time was different for some reason, and even though I was on my way to sell some Stiizies to middle schoolers, I struck up a conversation. Soon enough they were telling me that Mormonism actually sucks and that I should never join… under any circumstances… ever.”

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that the two missionaries involved in the incident, Johnathan Myers and Samuel White, first approached Pierce by mistake. 

“We never meant to talk to Janet,” reports Myers. “We were actually on our way to pester a different girl behind her, who didn’t have any vile piercings or ungodly hair colors. But Janet thought that we were walking up to her, and she seemed so excited to have any sort of human interaction that we figured she might be docile enough to convert. Soon enough, she was telling us about some devil-worshiper named Radiohead and asking if we––and it makes me gag just thinking about it––wanted a cigarette. Once we vehemently refused, she pulled out a loose crumpled Newport from her tote bag. When I saw the dirt under her fingernails as she lit it,” Myers holds a hand to his chest, “I simply had to tap out.”

At this point, White took over the conversation with Pierce. “Look, we’re not exactly a fixer-upper religion. We don’t have time for a project this ambitious,” he said. White decided that they simply couldn’t risk having someone as outwardly disgusting as Pierce anywhere close to Mormonism.

“I tried to dissuade her by mentioning all the restraints of Mormonism––she said she’s ‘into that,’ but I didn’t know what she was talking about. I then brought up the sexism and racism––everything I would never tell a genuine convert. Soon enough, she was on her way. Mission accomplished,” he said.

Despite this negative experience, Pierce declares that she is still searching for some sort of meaning in her pathetic, chronically-online existence: “I just want to find something to give my life purpose… reading my CoStar report, drinking Modelos, and watching cable porn every morning just isn’t doing it anymore.”