By Jack Martino
Queen Elizabeth of England died at age 96 last week, and it’s times like these when I wonder if I should ask Alexa to play “Marvin’s Room” or pour one out of my 40 to pay respect to a fallen sex symbol.
But most importantly, I’ve lived the last 20 years of life asking myself a basic question: why did Prince Phillip get to tap that for so long?! We all saw what he looked like when he passed away, that brussy (Bri’ish pussy) must have shown him the light of God.
I had a year to try to be her rebound bad boy phase, but it looks like I have failed. Now, Queen Elizabeth’s personal Brexit from life reminds me of some of the other GILFs who got away.
1. Queen Elizabeth II
You know I have to start with everyone’s Day 1 GILF who absolutely slays her competition (looking at Princess Di). Imagine passing away and the whole world stops because they all realize there’s no possibility of smashing anymore. That’s true power that definitely had Prince Phillip on bottom.
2. Betty White
The only other option in selecting a tag team for GILF Eiffel Tower, Betty White was and still is the true queen of all GILFs. AND she got around in her 90s for sure, but alas, I got nothing. She aged like fine wine and I was never able to dine her along the coast of France, watching a golden sunset and finishing the evening with a golden shower. Brings a tear to my eye.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg was a bad bitch who worked out every day and worked all night long until her body gave up on her. Now that’s what I call stamina! She could definitely break me in half if she wanted, or at the very least absolutely verbally degrade me. She once said “You can’t have it all, all at once,” but she had it all, and I wanted it all at once.
4. Nancy Reagan
The original White House Throat Goat, Nancy Reagan told millions of Americans to “just say no” to drugs, but I think we can all agree we all would’ve said yes if Nancy’s fine ass passed us the boof. I’m just sad I never got to see what getting that head was like on drugs.
5. Kris Jenner
I mean in age alone I guess she qualifies as a GILF, but she’s had enough plastic dumped into her to officially be qualified as an ocean and/or legally dead. That being said, I would give anything to become eskimo bros with Pete Davidson, OJ Simpson, and Kanye. Like, shit man, maybe she’ll release our sex tape too.
6. Julie Andrews
I don’t even know if she’s dead, but just like Prince Charles, she’s definitely next in line. I remember 11 year old me watching The Sound of Music absolutely bricked up during the scene where she’s twirling on the mountaintop. It was my true sexual awakening and now I can’t get turned on unless she’s twirling around singing in front of me. Just ask my ex-girlfriend. RIP (just in case she is).
7. Your Grandma
Yeah that’s right, you heard me. I see your grandma liking my Instagram pics and we both know how fine she is. And how she’s been single and thirsty since your Grandpa Horace passed last June. Yeah you, specifically you, Mark. Yeah, invite me over to Thanksgiving dinner and see what happens.
Wait, did I say top ten? Oh well, they’re all dead anyways.
I hope they’re all in heaven together having their own Sex and the City adventures in the clouds, patiently awaiting my arrival.