By Heidi Atlas
PITTSBURGH, PA – University of Southern California freshman Tiffany Wilson is furious that nobody has anonymously fallen in love with her and declared it on the internet—despite the fact that she’s never attended a synchronous lecture.
For the ugly and unaware, @usc.missedconnections is the lucrative Instagram page where horny adolescents can secretly simp for one another. Some confessions are delightfully sweet, but the best are disgustingly vulgar. Although Wilson yearns to be featured, she has yet to meet another USC student in person or online. “I’m a normal human being and not a trust fund baby living in a pricey off campus apartment for absolutely no reason like so many of my fellow freshmen,” said Wilson. “I’ve struggled to meet people so far because I don’t leave my house… I’m saving lives!”
Wilson went on to describe her dismay at all the lost opportunities due to the Coronavirus pandemic. “I’m livid that I never got a senior prom or graduation, and have yet to get drunk at a frat party in order to overcompensate for being a loser in high school. But none of that compares to my anger at not being featured on Missed Connections.”
Wilson, however, has been disappointed with the account mostly due to its lack of content that proves she is the main character. “I don’t understand why I haven’t gotten any posts,” she complains. “I am hot, sexy, and cool. So what if I don’t go to class? Somebody should appreciate my vibes and fall in love with me.”
When asked to comment, her classmates’ most common response was “Who?”