By Alexandra Ornes
SAN JOSE, CA – Local Teen Lila Mueller can’t wait to decorate her room with cute Christmas ornaments and eventually come to the realization this year has been an irrelevant plane in which neither productivity nor time exists.
“It’s honestly my favorite time of the year,” said Mueller, staring blankly and joylessly at her collection of twenty lifeless squishmallows. “I just can’t wait to hang up some lights and reflect on how my endless to-do list of meaningless tasks will never be fully accomplished. I’ve really been looking forward to it because I got myself a mini Christmas tree and an empty Google calendar to look back on and cry about.”
Mueller’s parents, on the other hand, are a little worried about their daughter. “She hasn’t really left her room since March,” said Susan Mueller. “All she did this year was constantly watch the Great British Baking Show and cry about how nice and British everyone is. Now at least she switched to watching the Jim Carrey Grinch movie and crying out of fear.”
“I’m not sure what Lila means when she says she accomplished nothing,” said Megan Smith, Mueller’s therapist. “She accomplished a lot! Like she… um… she made some very ok sourdough bread at the start of quarantine. And she made some TikToks that flopped, so that’s something.”
“I am just so excited to start next year,” said Mueller. “Although the holidays are simply society’s way of marking that time has passed, leaving us with a feeling of emptiness that can only be filled by productivity in this capitalistic system, I just think 2021 will be my year.”
Mueller later spent $12.99 on a dancing Christmas tree plushie to postpone her impending sadness.