By Rachel Michelman
LOS ANGELES, CA — Thrill seekers from all over the United States are flocking towards LA County’s newest spooky attraction: Dusty’s Dire Dilemmas. The house warns newcomers to be prepared for ghoulish spooks, gallons of tears, and a realization that you are valued and loved.
Dusty Jones, trained therapist and horror enthusiast, decided that he wanted to make his scare house different from the ones that make you pee yourself and walk around uncomfortable for the remaining hour of your time there. “Nothing is scarier than talking about your emotions to a bunch of strangers in public, which is why every customer sits in a circle with our actors in the middle of a park and admits their failures and regrets at 10:30 in the morning!” Jones added, “And our actors are such natural listeners too! I guess that’s what I get when I hire the graduating classes of NYU Tisch and USC SDA.”
Besides having to admit your deepest darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers who you worry will eternally judge you, Dusty’s Dire Dilemmas also puts you in a room with your real father and expects you both to make amends in 15 minutes. The most popular attraction, however, is a small soundproof room with walls made of mirrors that forces you to be alone with your thoughts and appearance for over an hour. The haunted house also confiscates all phones and airpods—so that means podcasts for you to distract your deep and concerning thoughts! Customers emerging from the room called it “disturbing.”
One guest, Alice Minnows, found the whole experience “life changing,” admitting that “I came in here as someone who hated jump scares, had a fear of blood, and had a self-doubt so strong that I questioned why my parents even decided to bring me into this world, and now I’m no longer afraid to ask for extra ketchup!” Tyler Johnson, local fraternity drop out, piped in with “Honestly, I’m so glad that I’ve realized how terribly strong my toxic masculinity was. It all stemmed from my fear of rejection. Now, I know that it’s totally okay to verbalize my emotions with ‘That makes me feel’ statements. It’s such validation!”
Horror house aficionados like Michael Myers found Dusty’s “a good commentary on today’s society and something I desperately need after I put on a Captain Kirk mask painted white and murder some bitches.” Famous redhead, Pennywise, called the experience “Nice for the whole family—especially the kids!”
To get your tickets, go to dustysdiredilemmas.com or dial (213) ITS-OKAY.