Boot Licking Suck-Up Writes Paragraph Long Discussion Post

By Mia Young

Los Angeles, CA – Despite the added difficulty of Zoom University, Grace O’Neil still makes it a point to be a gigantic suck-up by writing unnecessarily long Blackboard discussion posts.

“When we were on campus it was so much easier to manipulate my professors into liking me. The physicality of actually being able to follow them around was so important.” Said Grace, who later received several restraining orders against her. “Since I can’t do that anymore, I have to impress them with my stunning academic prose.”

Her last discussion post was 528 words in total, including both a title and citation in MLA format. “That one was difficult because the prompt was to tell everyone what our favorite movie was. It’s really hard to be impressive when you have to talk about something stupid. I ended up analyzing the alcoholism induced moral dilemma behind Hangover, even though no one asked.”

We contacted some of Grace’s classmates to get their opinions on her disgusting, shameless behavior. One classmate who asked to remain anonymous said, “Oh yeah, that Grace girl? She laughs so hard at our Professor’s jokes that you’d think he’s funny or something. Honestly I bet she’s in his emails every day asking unnecessarily analytical questions. Weird bitch.”

We also contacted the professor in question, Dr. Lawrence, who responded with “who?” However, her TA, who is primarily in charge of reading discussion posts, said that if she could physically assault Grace she would.