By Drew Thomas-Nathan
WASHINGTON DC — Senate Republicans released a statement of defeat last Friday following a deluge of #resistance tweets calling out their blatant hypocrisy.
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell was devastated. “Our whole strategy is to say one thing and then do another, but this only works if @pussygrabsback8 doesn’t point this out to her 46 followers,” he said. McConnel then let out a string of curses on America, shaking his fist as his jowls warbled in fury.
“You have me on the record saying ‘I want you to use this against me’ before stating the exact opposite position on Supreme Court appointments than the one I have now,” said South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham. “You caught me! I was planning to forgo my previous stance because I was lying about my values, but now I can’t do that with people calling me out. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling Democrats!”
“Why are we under so much scrutiny just because we’re cumming at the opportunity to take away your human rights?” sighed Texas senator and phosphorescent deep-sea fish Ted Cruz. Cruz claims the real hypocrites are in fact Antifa radicals. “They say they don’t want police, but who will help them when they get attacked by police? That’s why any serious American will support my bill that creates a new ‘Super Police’ that polices the police with giant mech suits.”
Democrat party leaders were ecstatic this strategy finally worked after over fifty years dealing with a Republican party that seemed to say anything it wanted to uphold white supremacy. “Told you they had morals,” said Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer. “I’m so relieved,” concurred Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Could you imagine if this didn’t work and we were dealing with a ruthless, lying, corrupt, criminal political party that would do anything, no matter how shady or unpopular, in order to further their fascist minority agenda?” Schumer chuckled, “We might’ve had to actually take a stand.” Both Schumer and Pelosi took a moment to shiver as they imagined that nightmare scenario.
The newly invigorated Democrats say their next step is to retweet an old Trump tweet that contradicts whatever he’s saying this time.