By Drew Thomas-Nathan
KYOTO, JAPAN — The year 2020 marks the 35th anniversary of the original Super Mario Bros game for NES and Famicom. Nintendo couldn’t just let this huge moment for their mascot pass, so they have announced that they will explode one Italian restaurant per day for the next 35 days!
Nintendo’s plan is simple: Honor Super Mario by continuing his legacy of dragging Italian-Americans back 40 years. “From the original gruff Brooklynite incarnation of the ‘90s to the happy ‘It’s-a me!’ Mario we know today, he’s always been a bane to Italians,” said President of Nintendo Shuntaro Furukawa. “Destroying Olive Gardens is a natural extension of that.”
“I made Mario Italian for revenge,” said Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto. “Back in ‘79 a friend brought me to this pizza place in New York where the waiter came out with a pepper grinder and said to tell him when. But I said when he didn’t stop, even though I repeated when loudly. He kept grinding until I was begging him, tears stinging my eyes.” Mr. Miyamoto took a moment to collect himself then continued, “I had to eat that pizza because I spent good money on it and they had a no refund policy, but it was so peppery! I coughed so much I couldn’t breathe. It was an attempt on my life.”
Miyamoto bided his time until he became a video game developer. “Later when I made Mario I beheld this gross scurrying man jumping around like a flea and thought no one would want to be associated with that. So I made him Italian, to finally get back at that pizza place and its insipid, blood-thirsty waiter.” The pizza restaurant that tried to kill Shigeru Miyamoto, Big Sal’s Pizza Palace, is first on Nintendo’s hit list.
Nintendo plans to cap off the 35 days of terror attacks with the release of the new Super Mario Pipe Bomb AR game, so players can join in on the fun.