By Baby Nut
CHICAGO, IL — Earlier this year the Planters mascot Mr. Peanut died in a horrible car crash explosion. I am his reincarnation, Baby Nut. But peanuts don’t age like humans, so after eight months I am now 21 in peanut years. That’s old enough to go swinging, if only we weren’t in the middle of the most widespread viral pandemic in a century!
I repeat: I have just turned 21, I’m in the prime of my short nut life, but all the fun indoor night spots are closed because apparently sweaty enclosed spaces are “potential superspreaders.” Speaking of potential superspreaders, I am at my most active (read: horny) sexual levels that I will ever have in my accelerated peanut boy life. But how will this nut lad work on his nut game if he can’t go to crowded dance floors to meet anyone? This fucking sucks!
I’ve had to make due with a fake I.D. for all these months, and now that I’m finally able to buy alcohol and enter places that sell alcohol where people are also looking to bust a nut. I can’t do that! All because normal society has blown up like me in a past life… is he supposed to be my father? I’m not really sure.
I mean sure, I can get Fireball delivered from Food 4 Less whenever I want, but I’m trapped in a goddamn quarantine with my libido at record highs. Obviously I’m going to get shmacked every night no matter what, yet somehow because I’m by myself it’s a “problem.” But if I could do the same thing in a poorly-lit room with other horny strangers, I would be a socialite!
I don’t understand! I’m Baby Nut, the Government shouldn’t control what I’m doing with my nights, even given the circumstances. So if I find someone who’s also willing to risk it all for seven positions in seventy minutes, I’m just supposed to not get my shell wet even though we’ve already suffered from the government limiting our freedoms for five months? Fuck that! I didn’t ask to be reborn! Not now. Not like this.
I could have just stayed up in anthropomorphic peanut heaven. I still had my cane and my monocle! I should have never trusted your kind to make this realm enjoyable, or even habitable. I hate my short nut life. Fuck all of you. The next time you eat a Planter’s peanut, which are all my sperm by the way, I hope it gets stuck in your throat and you reach for the milk carton and there isn’t jack shit in there so you choke and die! Especially if you have any peanut allergies.