By Jonathan Krone
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the latest move in his war on regulation, today President Donald Trump signed an executive order repealing the Obama-Era Law of Gravity.
“These non-stop regulations are destroying the economy,” said the President in a signing statement, clutching onto the floating bill for dear life. “Sleepy Joe and the radical left Democrats hate our way of life. They want to keep everyone on, like, sitting and on the ground. Every American should be able to soar through the air like a brave, American, bird, an eagle, okay. Everybody knows it.”
“Great job Mr. Prez!” shouted Betsy DeVos as she desperately tried to lick a fried chicken leg floating by her head, “You’ve done it again big Donald!” President Trump could not reply, since he had been knocked out cold by a can of Goya beans that struck him in the head.
“Weeee! We’re floating!” shouted the Trump boys in glee.
“Our President has done it again!” exclaimed Senator Lindsay Graham, hovering 4 feet above his desk. “These laws were very literally holding everyday Americans down, and now they can be free!”
Democrats, however, railed against the move. “This is yet another transparent power grab by our President,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi as she attempted to untangle her floating pantsuit jacket from a chandelier, “This will not stand! Today I am introducing a bill that specifically prevents President Trump from repealing any more laws of physics!”
However, Trump’s supporters defended the move. “Trump is just owning the libs by getting rid of their precious ‘gravity,’” said Dennis Dugan of Dunedin, Florida, “he’s taking down the Deep State from the inside, playing 4D chess with the international lizard pedophiles. He’s the greatest presdhgvns fjgv”
The end of the sentence was interrupted, due to a floating bubble of Dugan’s own urine hitting him in the face.