High Schools Mandate Masks to Protect Students from Girls’ Distracting Faces
by Melanie Hoffmann
OXNARD, CA — During the Oxnard School District’s press conference about reopening schools for the 2020-2021 school year, superintendent Douglas Watkins assured parents that their children’s safety was his number one priority.
Watkins said to the packed room, “to ensure that students are safe as they continue their education, the school district dress code will be updated to include mandatory face masks in order to protect our hardworking male students and faculty from the dangerous distraction of female faces.”
The addendum to the dress code states that the mandate is for all students, as the dress code is technically gender-neutral, but some members of the school community are divided on the issue.
Oxnard High School senior Rebecca Lee spoke up against the dress code update. “They claim the masks will be evenly enforced like the rest of the dress code, but the rest of the dress code isn’t evenly enforced at all! I was sent home for a T-shirt that grazed my collarbone while a guy wore a shirt with literal spaghetti straps, which he ate during lunch!”
Junior Hugh Sullivan voiced different complaints. “Watkins said it himself, the girls are the problem! Why should I have to wear a mask because the girls decided to have slutty lips?”
PTA mom Deborah Klein praised the decision. “I was worried about the fall semester, but I feel so relieved now! My son is such a smart kid, but he can’t focus with those horrid girls showing off their teeth and noses with no self respect. I’m sure this will help his GPA.”
Parent Derek Gullman, on the other hand, opposes the mandate. “This is an infringement of civil liberties! If my son wants to pop a boner because some girl sensually applies chapstick during Calculus, that is his right as an American citizen!”
Senior Milly Price, who is going on her sixth year of braces, is perfectly fine with the new mandate and wore a mask for her Sack interview, even though it was over Zoom.