Millennials Are Killing All This West Side Story Choreography

by Drew Thomas-Nathan

SEATTLE, WA — The millennial generation has been on a murder spree recently, killing everything this country holds dear from diamonds to cruise ships to beer and even pure, sweet, maidenly Applebee’s. But hope remains as updates from the Higgins Playhouse rehearsal room suggest that this time millennials are slaying the choreography for the Leonard Bernstein classic, West Side Story.

Indeed, the same generation that couldn’t be bothered to sit and watch hangout sitcoms or college football is at this very moment putting all their effort into the ballet-infused storytelling dance of Jerome Robbins and doing a damn fine job of it.

Proud Gen X director Antoni de Rossi initially had low expectations for his cast saying, “I honestly thought they were gonna be lethargic, technology-dependent sloth-people, but they’re really nailing all these leaps and pirouettes.” He theorized the reason everything clicked was the source material, “Sondheim’s first Broadway lyrics here given such vibrancy. And the drama is so real! Apparently something about finding true love at parties and not trusting the police resonates with this group.”

The millennials are not universally loved, however. Gordon Ortman, the theatre’s senior lighting designer, remains skeptical. “The director makes it sound like these millennials who’ve already ruined freedoms like brunch and handshakes are all triple threats, and I believe him. At least in that they are threats!” He offered, unprompted.

“These are the same people who don’t go on dinner dates and who burn American flags with their knees; everything they turn their evil eye towards is avocado toast.” Ortman kept raving as a vein in his temple seemed to bloat with each syllable. “And this West Side Story production proves that millennials can do anything they set their anti-capitalist minds to. If they weren’t saddled with crippling lifelong student debt there would be nothing to stop them!

We tried to reach out to millennial cast members for comments, but they just kept telling us that print media is dying and creating boogeymen to mine for controversy in a last ditch attempt at relevance.

Millennials have not completely stolen the show though, as Richard Charleston is pulling his weight as the only Baby Boomer in the cast of over thirty actors. “They made me the shop guy so I don’t dance, which is good for my weak hips. All I can do is wiggle my finger like a cartoon anyway.” The heavily sunburnt Charleston called the 1961 movie adaptation “transcendent” but says it raised his hopes too high for this production. “I thought I was gonna get to play a Puerto Rican.”