Local Man Brimming with Self-Hatred Surprised to Learn Everyone Hates Him Too

by Amanda Douglas

LOS ANGELES, CA – Local man Jerry Wilson has consistently ranked himself number one on his list of Most-Hated People to Ever Exist, with Hitler coming in at a close second and Pierce Brosnan’s voice in Mamma Mia following not far behind. Nevertheless, Jerry was recently shocked to learn that friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers all hate him too.

“I just do so many dumb things,” Wilson explained. At Taco Bell, Wilson reportedly declared his life “a hot mess” when he accidentally poured an entire bottle of hot sauce on his burrito for the fourth time that week.  “It’s like, god! I hate myself so much.”

Just days ago, Wilson made a morning trip to Starbucks before work with longtime friend Natalie Robinson. As they were leaving, Wilson called himself “just the worst” for knocking over five chairs inside, two of which had people in them. Robinson felt compelled to finally agree. Wilson was so shocked, he asked Robinson to repeat herself nineteen times before she decided to just walk the four miles to their office.

“Who knew spilling my frappuccino over everyone in line and parking across some handicapped spots would make everyone hate me?” Wilson asked, throwing up his arms in rage and knocking over a row of collectable mugs. “Sure, I give myself a hard time, but I never would’ve guessed in a million years anyone felt the same way.”

Wilson proceeded to go on an ego-boosting tirade, forcing all of his Facebook friends to confirm in a poll whether they loved or hated him. The overwhelming majority chose hate, save his seventh-grade trombone teacher.

Nevertheless, Robinson feels she did the right thing. “Jerry’s become too much. He constantly flakes on plans, refuses to take off his cowboy hat during the national anthem, and regularly plans and executes elaborate heists to steal hundreds of pounds of meat from local markets.”

Weeks later, Wilson still hasn’t fully processed the news. “Is anything real anymore?” he asked, pacing around slowly and panting for no apparent reason. “I mean, what if mom and dad weren’t kidding when they said I should just to stay behind in Europe because I’m too ugly to make it through customs?”