by Kylie Harrington
CULVER CITY, CA — Amelia Jones’ mid-December trip to the beach was tragically cut short early this morning. On her way out the door, Jones was taken aback by her trusty jar of extra virgin coconut oil. Usually clear, the oil was now white and solid, and Jones dropped her beach bag as the first cruel chill of winter raced through her bones.
“Coconut oil solidifies at 76 degrees Fahrenheit, but most people don’t realize that it stays solid when the air gets colder than that. For all I know, it could be 75, 70, heck, even 65 degrees out there,” said the Los Angeles native, stuffing blankets into her window sills and getting into her car to prepare for the dark months ahead.
“I didn’t know how to tell her that we didn’t have Duraflame logs,” said CVS employee Jackson Morton, after Jones left the store with hundreds of dollars’ worth of canned beans and beef jerky.
Her sarong and beach towel were left on the ground, forgotten, as Jones tore through her closet, looking for a parka, or at least a sensible sweater. She looked back at the oil and flinched, and seemed to remain completely ignorant of the fact that it was early December as she mourned the death of her tropical fantasy.