Nighttime Security Measures Repel Criminal Gang

by Staff

Above-  Photo by guillermogg

University administrators expressed relief after last year’s new security measures repelled an attack on the University Park Campus.

5 armed Crips gang members were reported to have attempted to break into the university.

The security measures, enacted after the 2012 Halloween shooting, require students to show USC ID after 9 pm to enter campus.

New fences were also constructed, further closing off the campus from the surrounding neighborhood.

The gang members reached the gates of USC, but were easily thwarted by waist-high portable fence set up by DPS officers.

Armed with only portable tables, laptops, and radios, the university employees valiantly defeated their opponents.

“I said ‘show your USC ID’,” said DPS office Bry Berry (no relation to Rob Berry, also of DPS),  “and the evil man with a gun just ran away.”

“Knowing that there is no possible way to get any kind of false identification, especially at a university, I am confident they will never return”

After not being able to find a job coaching football, Lane Kiffin was signed as the coach for the Crips.  A high school team contracted him to coach, but could not offer better compensation.

When challenged, Kiffin attempted to show his USC ID.  Employees told him, “You don’t go here any more,” sending him off with a sassy finger wave.

Given the failure of the attack, the gang is considering letting him go.

One Crip, Winston Duffy, Ph.D.,  also known by his gang name “Lil Derp,” said, “We learned our lesson this time.  Next time, we’ll come at 8:55.”