Freshmen Move Empty Smirnoff to Trash Like They’re Hiding a Body

by Drew Thomas-Nathan

BIRNKRANT RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE — A group of freshmen spent the last several days getting an empty bottle of Smirnoff brand vodka to the trash room with the same level of paranoia as if they were hiding a dead body.

Freshman scaredy-cat Ryan Sheldon explained that the alcohol was left over from a small dorm room get-together last Saturday. Those present included various roommates and friends of the hosts, all of which were haplessly entangled in the plot to be rid of the evidence.

“We couldn’t let any building faculty find out what we’d done,” Sheldon stammered. “I hear just when you think your life can’t get any worse, they make you do again. I promised myself I’d never go back to the solitary confinement of online education!”

The operation to move the empty bottle less than ninety feet down the hallway would take one plastic bag, three strategic meetings, dozens upon dozens of hours, and immeasurable bonds of friendship.

“There were four or five lookouts with eyes on hot spots such as the faculty rooms and the elevators,” recalled a co-conspirator who wished to remain anonymous. “Anything to make sure our secret never got out.”

“Oh everyone knew,” said sophomore bystander Trish Torres. “If anything the extreme caution they were using made them more suspicious. I almost wanted there to be a murder conspiracy, for their sake, because this is embarrassing.”

RA Jeff Toby did notice the empty Smirnoff in the trash room but was not bothered. “I thought that was mine,” said Toby.