How to Talk to a Woman Who Has a 100ft Restraining Order on You

by Quinton Buxton and Jack Hackett

These days, many women walk around listening to music and carrying their restraining order that legally prohibits you from being within a 100ft radius of them.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t still talk to them!

Starting the Conversation

  1. Stand 100ft away from her… Remember, the law is biased against charming men like you, and won’t necessarily understand why you desperately need to talk to this girl.
  2. Get a really loud megaphone to scream at her from a distance. That’s bound to come off as confident and attractive.
  3. Slip into her house when she’s not there and leave a note made entirely of cut out magazines scraps, that way you don’t leave fingerprints. Keep in mind, women often don’t know what they really want, so she may at first be alarmed and attempt to report this to the police. But by leaving no evidence behind, you’re protected!
  4. “Casually” bump into her at the mall to see if she even remembers filing that restraining order on you! Because as a man, your failure to comprehend that you’re not wanted certainly isn’t harassment. It’s just you being persistent! After all, many women like to test men.
  5. While you have her attention, beg for her to come back: “Oh God, Linda please take me back. I’m so lost without treating someone like shit to make me feel better about my own self. I promise I won’t brandish a knife towards you again,” for example.

And just like that, you should be ready to charm your way into every woman’s heart! Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear sirens approaching, so I think it’s time for me to move again. Good thing I have all these fake identities.