Lonely Man Excited for Chocolate to Go On Sale February 15

by Thomas Marshall

LOS ANGELES – Local sad man Jack Stanfield spent this past Valentine’s Day eagerly awaiting for unsold heart-shaped boxes of chocolate to go on sale February 15.

Here is a poem he wrote about it on the back of his 17 foot long CVS receipt after purchasing the discounted candy:


Roses are red, and so are those boxes I crave,

Boxes shaped like hearts make me rave,

Not anatomical hearts, but the other kind,

And after Valentine’s Day, aren’t hard to find.

For 364 days these are on my mind,

They are how I make it through the daily grind.

I was so excited I didn’t even shave,

These discounted chocolates are my master, I am their slave.

I would labor for an eternity for just a whiff under their cellophane.

I live for this meal that is a result of my deals,

I’m so good at finding sales I could buy and sell a plane.

My life is a dearth of joy,

But with the sweet cocoa I feel like a boy.

Oh sweet chocolatey candy, of the truffle I sing,

Heart shaped cardboard gift boxes at a discounted price to my own heart joy does bring.


At press time Jack was happily enjoying his seventh consecutive box of assorted chocolates,  blissfully indifferent to his own singleness.

“This is the life,” he thought out loud, as he took the cellophane off of another heart-shaped box.