On Eve Of Graduation, Liberal Arts Major Realizes He’s Made A Huge Mistake
by Andy Gause
USC–With graduation tomorrow, senior creative writing major Kirk Mason has come to the conclusion that he’s “majorly boned.” With the prospect of real life becoming a rapidly approaching reality, Kirk says that he wishes he had chosen a more realistic major, or at the very least, taken a few economics courses.
This phenomenon, known as ‘liberal arts dread,’ hits all communication, film, music, philosophy, and art history majors in the days leading up to graduation, and causes these normally chipper students to desperately clutch to the last vestiges of college life before finally succumbing to the stark, cold realities of a hostile job market.
Liberal arts dread first hit Kirk after he wrote “moderate DJ abilities” in the skills section of his bare-bones resume. This lack of marketable skills really shook the Screenwriting minor to his core. He explains, “When it comes to Neo-classical film analysis, East Asian religions, and Beatles trivia, I’m well equipped. But when it comes to stuff that employers care about, like web design and math, I’m so screwed.”
Kirk’s liberal arts dread continued to rise when he noticed many of his non-liberal arts friends preparing for law school, med school, and entry level corporate positions. Meanwhile, Kirk’s post-graduation options are more limited. “Uber driver, waiter, or sperm donor, that’s it,” said Kirk before staring off into the distance for a full minute. “At this point, I’d do anything. Hell, I’d even consider being a middle school teacher,” he added with quivering lips.
With the looming shadow of commencement haunting his every waking moment, Kirk says he’s gotten a new perspective on past experiences. For example, he now understands the disappointed glint in his father’s eyes every time Kirk mentioned his improv class.
“My dad didn’t hate my art, he just wanted me to make money and succeed. It all makes perfect sense now,” said Kirk in between desperate gulps of Guinness.
However, Kirk thinks there is one possible cure for his liberal arts dread, “Eh, I can always go to grad school.” He smiles as he imagines two more years in the warm cocoon of college life.