USC to Install Fountain to Commemorate Great Drought of 2014

by Tyler Pullen

The most recent fixture in USC’s inspiring and entirely necessary construction plans is an elegant fountain surrounding our beloved Tommy Trojan statue with a 10-foot wide hydrological barrier. The luxurious addition will continuously shoot water several feet in the air, complementing our secondary mascot beautifully.

It serves to raise awareness for Southern California’s crippling state of drought, fitting in well with USC’s public relations SCampaign to really relate with the local community.

Many students approve of the project, including Sydney Wallaby, who says “I think the best thing to remind me to conserve water is an enormous plume of it shooting endlessly from the ground.”

“It really just puts things in perspective,” comments Cynthia Dromer, an undergraduate student majoring in environmental engineering.

A freshman who preferred to remain anonymous adds “Whenever I would walk across Trousdale, I would think to myself  ‘That fountain near Traveler is pretty cool, but what this plaza really needs is an even more extravagant one near Tommy!’ And yet again, USC is delivering perfectly on what us students really want.”

The commemorative fountain is not merely for show, however, as it will also provide a level of medieval defense yet unseen on most college campuses – a moat. “Given UCLA’s most recent struggles with controlling water,” says Kenneth Halbert, head of USC’s preliminary defense systems, “we hope this should neutralize any nefarious plots to sabotage dear Thomas in the weeks leading up to our rivalry game in November.”

Construction on SC’s new monument will begin immediately, say officials, warning students that certain parts of campus will be temporary blocked due to the work on the fountain. Affected areas include: all of Trousdale, the Campus Center, Parkside dining hall, the second floor of the bookstore, and the Row.

One construction manager wisely reminds us “The students are going to have to work with us on this one and trust in the system…The ends really justify the means.”