by Zoe Haddad
MUSHROOM KINGDOM 2:35 PM PST, Tue October 14, 2014–Many injured, de-winged in Mushroom Kingdom today. A mustached man, who witnesses describe as “ethnic”, “fat” wearing a red hat and overalls but sometimes a white hat and overalls, was last seen sliding down a flagpole.
Local Goomba says, “He came out of nowhere and just shot fireballs at us. We couldn’t even run off screen.”
A red Koopa, shaking, recounts, “I saw a green Koopa caught between two pipes. He has children, man! He destroyed all our floating bricks. I just, I couldn’t take it. I walked right off the bricks and trapped myself between two other pipes hoping he wouldn’t get me. But he did.”
Red Koopa continues, “He jumped over and landed right on me, then ran away like a… a maniac. I hid in my shell then came out a few seconds later. I can’t say the same for Jerry. He–he got him with star power.”
No word on what the motive was, but some say the man is just a prick.
UPDATE — 6:14PM PST: The stocky man was last seen jumping into the pipe third to the right.