Student’s Promise to Get Buddy ‘Super-Laid’ Goes Unfulfilled

by Andy Gause

On Saturday night, Lance Griffin, a senior studying flirting, made it his goal to get his structural engineering friend Joseph Zhang “super laid.” Witnesses claim that Mr. Griffin promised those gathered in their apartment that by the end of the night Mr. Zhang would be, “balls deep in sweet, sweet poon.”

Mr. Zhang tried to downplay the promise of poon by telling Mr. Griffin, “really, you don’t have to. I’m fine.” But Mr. Griffin insisted that his female expertise would help Mr. Zhang find a mate at the Zappa party they were planning to attend.

However, such promises did not come to fruition. Indeed, the only thing Mr. Zhang was ‘ball deep’ in by the end of the night was an episode of Sherlock.

The failure to the fulfill his promise was not from a lack of effort. At the Zappa party, Mr. Griffin told a group of prospective females, that Mr. Zhang was “totally awesome” and “one day gonna be a crazy rich engineering guy.”

However, sources claim that these bold proclamations were met with skepticism and were not enough to attract a suitable partner for Mr. Zhang. The females responded less to Mr. Griffin’s verbal promotions and more to Mr. Zhang’s embarrassed attitude.

Mr. Griffin then introduced Mr. Zhang to Shannon McGreary, a freshman acquaintance studying jogging. Despite having a mutual friend in Mr. Griffin, Ms. McGreary did not have sexual intercourse with Mr. Zhang, citing his inability to maintain eye contact and pale, translucent skin as turn-offs.

After a few hours, Mr. Zhang left the party without a female companion. However, the night wasn’t a total bust, as he was able to finish his linear systems homework before going to bed.