Shootings Bring Terror, Sandwiches to USC

by Madeline Karabian

Photo by JaBB

LOS ANGELES, CAL. – After the reported shooting at the Lorenzo Apartments last Friday, USC’s safety has, once again, been compromised, with a shooting victim crashing his car on campus before being transported to the hospital.

While USC officials have implemented additional security measures, most notably the fingerprint scanners in dorms and multiple ID checkpoints, they have now adopted the age-old wisdom of “if you can’t beat them, join them.”

“Instead of punishing our students for these common shootings, we’ve decided to reward them,” USC Department of Public Safety (DPS) Chief Hsu Ting said.

DPS has now issued punch cards to all students, faculty and staff. After each shooting, the students can get their cards punched by any DPS officer. After 10 punches, the card holder receives a free sandwich from a nearby Subway sandwich shop.

Additionally, in an effort to reduce the carb footprint, a filled out punch card may also qualify for a salad, instead of a sandwich.

“It’s really a win-win situation,” Ting said. “I mean, except for the people who have been shot,” he later added.

When asked how they feel about the new punch card system, students and faculty alike have responded positively.

“I knew it was only a matter of time until they figured out a solution,” floristry major Annabelle Roberts said. “Yeah, I’m still worried about being shot, but at least I know I have a free dinner.”

DPS Officials say they were a little hesitant in implementing the punch card system, as it is a universally acknowledged truth that a single person in possession of a punch card will inevitably lose it.

“The moment DPS gave me the shooting punch card, I immediately threw out all the other random ones I had been keeping in my wallet for years,” poultry science instructor Jeff Ouykans said. “All my Pizza Studio, Which Wich and Ground Zero milkshake cards are gone. It’s time to let go.”