by Matt Kalina
In response to the recent alcohol related incidences occurring around the University of Southern California, President Nikias has recently announced a plan to ensure the safety of students by creating a “party plan” for the neighborhoods surrounding campus.
George Moore, the head of the new program, went on record stating, “The added safety will come with a price which will be passed on to the students in the form of a hedonism fee. It is mandatory that all undergraduates pay this fee to support the added safety that their loaded parents…I mean loving parents have come to expect.”
The new policy allows for different packages, similar to the meal plans that students are already acquainted with. The Trojan Party Plan, which is available exclusively to those in fraternities and sororities, will cost about $1-2,000 per semester, but will provide the most latitude.
Moore stated “The Trojan Party Plan provides the insurance of a blind eye unless you seriously injure or kill someone, in which case we will be very angry with you and we will show you how angry we are by making sure that you have to pay an additional penalty fee.”
The other package is the Cardinal Party Plan, which is a piece-rate party system in which students must make a five dollar charitable donation to a cause, but this five dollars will only buy a finite time slot because DPS will disperse all those without the Trojan Party Plan after an hour and a half of partying.
When objections were raised that parties would be shut down after only an hour and a half, Moore commented “Historically the time slot for five dollar parties was the two hours from 10 PM to midnight, but the added cost of the new safety measures forces us to curtail this time slot to an hour and a half.”
DPS has been training under the new guidelines since Halloween; stepping up activity and dispersing parties at 11:30 promptly. Laura Wilson, who attended a Halloween party as a sexy proctologist only to have the party shut down soon after she arrived, stated, “I’ll be sure to sign up for the Trojan Party Plan next semester so that DPS lets me stay out past 11:30!”