30 Ways USC Will Spend Your Extra Tuition Dollars

By Staff

It was reported that USC tuition will rise by 5%. While USC students may be concerned, The Sack of Troy has received exclusive intel as to where the extra tuition will be allocated.  

1. Spudnuts security guards

2. DPS tank

3. Bouncer at Seeds Marketplace

4. Another worthless floor in the bookstore

5. A cupcake ATM that’s actually full

6. School of Creative Directing/DJing

7. Chemotherapy for kids who smoke real cigarettes

8. MSCHF Big Red Boots for the Yellow Jackets

9. Wattpad Premium subscriptions through USC Libraries

10. One lick from Beau the therapy dog

11. Beats for IYA students

12. SCA Cheesecake factory (like the one from the Grove but it overlooks the Ray Stark Theater instead of AMC)

13. Village Erewhon

14. Leavey Library Adderall vending machine

15. Drake at Springfest only he is booed off because he is not Frank Ocean

16. Escorts for Viterbi students

17. Lorenzo underage casino 

18. Cocaine Traveler 

19. Weapons of mass destruction

20. McCarthy Honors tooth gem community bonding event

21. Zhu Zhu pets 

22. Golf Wang x USC Bookstore collab

23. An eight lane freeway across campus

24. Making USC more walkable

25. Canva Pro for The Sack of Troy 

26. Free Core Power yoga classes in PED

27. Logan Roy guest appearance at Annenberg

28. Bidets for all the bathrooms

29. Buying Weight Watchers for all the fat campus squirrels

30. More ugly ass t-shirts to incentivize watching men’s volleyball