by Melanie Hoffmann
TUCSON, AZ — On Thursday, local Tucson resident Winona Clark passed a personal milestone in her fitness journey. “I really can’t believe it! I’ve only been jogging for a month, and today I made it a whole four miles with a van following!”
Clark owes her achievement to a white man in his thirties driving a Nissan Caravan [if you have any information on this man, please contact the Tucson Police Department. He is a suspect in multiple kidnappings].
Clark was especially shocked that she broke her previous record in her most modest running attire. “I used to think that you’re only as good as your equipment, but if I can get four miles in my loosest knee-high shorts and baggiest hoodie, imagine how far I’ll get in my skin-tight Lululemons!”
At the tail end of mile three, it seemed as though the record would not be broken, as Clark had to run on a one way street. Luckily, the van driver disobeyed all traffic signs and turned the wrong way onto the street to continue following Clark, showing a true dedication to the sport.
When asked for proof of this incredible milestone, Clark responded, “The van driver took a good amount of creepshots, but unfortunately I don’t have access to those, so no one’s going to believe me.”