by Amanda Douglas
Praying Mantis Phil Mayes recently lost faith in God, he reported on Tuesday afternoon.
Mayes grew up in a Christian household and went to Church every Sunday with his family. “Living in a neighborhood of primarily butterflies, I was very self-conscious about my body until First Communion,” Mayes explained. “But that’s when I realized my physicality was really a blessing. I could pray all the time.”
Recently, however, Mayes has been feeling down in the dumps.
“Today alone, I got a flat on my way to work, spilled all my caterpillars at lunch, and then found out they cancelled Designated Survivor,” Mayes mumbled with a sigh. “And then I come home and my wife’s just biting my head off about everything.”
Nevertheless, Mayes has been working to reconnect with God. After all, praying is part of his nature. But that’s when his cousin phoned him with some bad news. “My friend Paul Matthews,” Mayes started, blowing his nose with a small leaf, “He got stuck in a piece of gum while vacationing in New York, and one of those gangly human being things stepped on him.”
Shaken by the personal tragedy, Mayes has since abandoned the Church. “I just don’t think the big guy is watching out for me anymore,” Mayes said. “If he was, I wouldn’t have gained a whole 0.7 ounces in the last month.”
Mayes has since decided that he would like to be referred to simply as a “Mantis” from now on.