by Drew Thomas-Nathan
JONESBOROUGH, TN — An explosive revelation arrived straight out of Saint Peter’s Church as 14-year-old Jacob Barrow announced Monday that his favorite part of the Bible is all the times two people who are cousins fuck.
“It was the first day of evening Bible study,” said peer-witness Becca River. “We were going in a circle taking turns saying why we want to read the Lord’s book. It started nice. Jamie felt spiritually connected to his father, Randy brought up the pervasiveness of Bible stories as allusions in other literature, and then Jacob had to go and make it weird.”
The breaking news made the young Barrow, a former Boy Scout who earned respectable grades, into the town’s shared little embarrassment. He was expelled from Sunday school and suspended from Monday-to-Friday school. His classmates, robotics team, and immediate family also put out statements distancing themselves from the prepubescent pariah.
Father Johnson, the local church’s mouthpiece on hot button issues, was relieved when he heard about this story. “Thank Christ!” Johnson cried. “I have had to watch my words for so long to avoid alienating congregation members. This time it’s just a simple ‘Don’t do incest!’ Bless.”
Despite the controversy, Jacob Barrow has doubled down on his words. After assuring the world that he “said what he meant,” Barrow went on to add, “The authors are begging you to enjoy it. Whenever the Bible refers to these characters it’s always like, ‘Jacob approached Rachel, the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and kissed her, Rachel, his cousin.’ It’s the best!”
Jacob Barrow’s actual cousin Abigail Finch was present for the Bible study bombshell and showed concern for her community. “We’re already a small rural town, and I hate to see stuff like this ruin what fragments of a reputation we still have,” she fumed, before grumbling, “Just because we’re all thinking it doesn’t mean he gets to say it out loud.”