by Nolan Jones
CULVER CITY, CA — Liberated from his responsibilities running a world-class research university, USC President C.L. Max Nikias decided to unwind this weekend the only way he knows how: by snorting lines of the finest Colombian cocaine off the toilet seat of the gender neutral bathroom in the Culver City Target Superstore.
Speaking to nobody in particular, President Nikias mentioned a “flourishing of the arts in South Central Los Angeles” before ducking into the privacy of the gender neutral bathroom, one of the first installed as a part of the retail giant’s inclusive restroom initiative that began last year.
Once he was assured that nobody would interrupt “Maxie Time,” Nikias busted out a whole gram of cocaine and poured it onto the plastic rim of the toilet seat. After cutting it into lines with his American Express Black Card, Nikias snorted each and every snowflake through a rolled-up 100 euro note.
As he looked at his reflection in the mirror above the sink, Nikias caught a glimpse of the wild-eyed Cypriot boy he had been years ago while studying electrical engineering at the State University of New York at Buffalo. That sparkle in his eyes faded in an instant as he remembered the years of loneliness and isolation that followed.
Nikias, trying to escape the pain of his past, flashed the store a meek “Fight On!” before driving off in a rented Kia Sorento.