LOS ANGELES, CA — From downtown to Santa Monica Carter Simons skipped to the sweet choking sounds made by those he had punched along the way. Simons, a longtime employee at Chipotle, discovered his gift only a few hours before when he silenced a customer by punching him in the throat.
“My boss said, ‘You’re fired.’ Then I punched her in the throat. That, my friend, was the moment I knew that I was onto something,” said Simons as he emerged from the restaurant while coworkers and customers clutched at their necks trying vocalize their pain.
“Man, life is just–mmmmhh! Have you smelled these flowers?” Simons said, inhaling deeply as a gardener rolled on the ground behind him, choking. “I tell you, you’ve really got to do this throat punching thing sometime. Worked wonders for me. My depression is waning. My schedule is clear. No one bothers me. It’s like a miracle from heaven, but done by me.”
Commenting on the legality of the man’s actions, the chief of police said, “HUUURRRKKKKKKK!”
The chief continued on, with one hand on his throat and the other on his desk. He toppled over shortly afterwards.
“Man, with all this new free time of mine I can go anywhere, do anything.” Simons said, staring at his fists in wonder before punching a nearby bird for chirping too loudly. “I think I’ll write a book about this so others can share in this gift.”
Simons’ new book titled “Throat Meet Fist: A Self Help Guide Against Other People” comes out next month.