Study Finds DayQuil To Be Gateway Drug To NyQuil

by Michael Savio

WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration confirmed in a recent study that use of the drug DayQuil can, in fact, lead to use of the much harder NyQuil. Many first-time NyQuil consumers affirmed having previously experimented with DayQuil, sometimes even taking it earlier that same day.

“The results have proven what we’ve all quietly suspected for years,” said Stephen Onstroff, acting commissioner of the FDA. “It’s truly a shame that all this time DayQuil has made kids think it’s okay to get drowsy on NyQuil and ruin their lives.”

The Above the Influence campaign has already begun informing teenagers on the dangerous implications of their DayQuil use, emphasizing that there are more constructive ways for them to spend their time fending off a cold than getting doped up on the over-the-counter concoction.

DEA acting administrator Chuck Rosenberg announced that 2016 will mark the first year of the War on DayQuil, a national initiative to end the production, distribution, and consumption of the devil’s syrup.

“Our priority now is to safeguard the health of our nation’s children,” said Rosenberg, who specified that the DEA will do this by spending billions of taxpayers’ dollars on military intervention to stop the DayQuil trade at its source.