Man Who Restates What You Said But Louder Wins Pulitzer Prize

By Charlotte Dekle

LOS ANGELES — Area man Pat Agonia has just won the Pulitzer Prize for Criticism for restating the exact goddamn thing you just said but louder.

The Pulitzer committee, convening for a special session to present the award at the tail end of Women’s Herstory Month, has given the prize to Agonia for “his ability to synthesize voices from around him to create an incisive and original look at Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein from a feminist perspective.”

“Yeah, it was like super cool. I just re-said what some, like, chick in my class said—super hot by the way, like smash—and then everyone stood up and applauded,” Agonia said. “Then I got a call the next day from Columbia’s journalism school and they told me I won the prize.”

Jack Coleridge, the professor of Agonia’s Woman Authors of the Romantic Era course, prides himself on making his class interactive and equitable. 

“Yeah, when Pat said what Katherine said but in a more…ya know…powerful way, I knew we had a voice of our generati— sorry? What the fuck do you want?” Coleridge said, before being rudely interrupted by a female student asking for help. 

In accepting his award, Agonia thanked all the people who helped him get to where he was. “Thank you to my boy, Darren, my father, Darryl, my God, and Jacob Elordi.” Agonia said.

Agonia is planning on writing a book about his experience: Standing on the Shoulders of Giants: how men support other men.