Wholesome: Professor Brings Cookies to Final; Fails All Students
By Gabby Frugoni
LOS ANGELES, CA – In this stressful time of final projects, papers, and exams, one USC professor restored our faith in humanity when she brought cookies for her students’ final exam before proceeding to fail all of them. Professor Edna Dickinson, who teaches THTR 107: Moving Your Body With the Essence of a Panther, scheduled her final exam for December 17th at 8:00 AM. However, she wanted to prioritize her students’ mental health above their grades and, most importantly, above passing.
“They’re my homemade snickerdoodle recipe!” beamed Dickinson while entering 0s into Brightspace. “A grade is just a number. It’s the experiences they’ve had in my class that will inform their extremely valuable theatre education.”
“The cookies are, like, crispy on the outside and, like, warm on the inside. They’re really good!” lauded student Samantha Richards through tears while texting her mother that she would not be able to graduate come spring. “Snickerdoodles have always been my favorite. It’s so nice of Professor Dickinson to bring them,” cried student Jonathan Pincher post-cookie, who will be losing his academic scholarship.
“I usually add walnuts, but Samantha has a nut allergy. Inclusivity is key!” noted the tenured Dickinson, who currently has a 0.8 Rate My Professor rating and is expected to retire in 2098.
