Beong Soo Kim Displays Symptoms Of Having A Spine
By Noelle Villasenor and Quinn Healey
LOS ANGELES, CA – Ferrel Kolt, M.D., Beong Soo Kim’s primary care physician, just made a groundbreaking discovery: despite the Interim University President doing literally anything besides hiring a PR agent and saying “free speech is good, actually,” recent behavior shows that he may in fact have a functioning spinal cord.
After growing bones in his back, Kim was able to successfully move on from sitting in faculty meetings saying nothing except “my ears are listening but my legs aren’t doing!” The result of this bare-minimum progress allowed him to stand shakily on both feet and whisper a puny “no thank you” to the Trump administration after months of simply bending over and taking it from the federal government.
Kolt reportedly wrote a referral for him to see a therapist specializing in self-confidence after reading his timid refusal of Trump’s “Sell Out Your Students And Also Your Soul For A Dollar” compact. “He’s like a rain-soaked, shaking dog watching Daddy Trump and Daddy Newsom fight,” Kolt said.
Despite Kim’s remarkable progress, it’s uncertain whether his back will be able to handle the strain of taking a stand without having several other, more prestigious University presidents holding his hand and saying “it’s okay to say no to scary old men, Kimmy.”
