by Chai Karve
LOS ANGELES, CA — USC’s esteemed Marshall School of Business has decided to add an empathy class. By incorporating basic human decency into the coursework, Marshall hopes it’s students will leave better businesspeople as well as normal human beings.
“We believe that these classes are absolutely necessary,” said Dean Ellis. “We want our top-tier grads to walk a mile in the shoes of the people they’re screwing over.”
The class will consist of bookwork, field work, and actual work. Students will have to come to terms with the fact that Leonardo Dicaprio’s character in “The Wolf of Wall Street” is not a role model. They will also have to speak without using “jargon” for 30 seconds to 1 minute at a time.
“I guess I get it,” conceded junior Lorne Drake. “But why would I ever have to understand where anyone else is coming from? I’m right and they’re wrong. What else is there to get?”
Student reactions are skewed negative, with the majority indicating that a concern for others is indeed socialist. Some students relish the opportunity to put “empathy” as a skill on their resume, praying that they’ll never get asked to display any at work.