USC Hires Riddle-Telling Bridge Trolls As GE Lab Instructors

By Noelle Medina

LOS ANGELES, CA – You shall not pass… this class! With budget cuts hitting every department, USC Dornsife has decided to replace its PHD teaching assistants with anthropomorphic riddling bridge trolls, leaving the actual quality of education pretty much the same.

Students in Thumpy the Troll’s BISC-101 lab have had mixed reactions to their fuzzy new teacher. While some want to give him the benefit of the doubt, other students have complained that his grumbling voice, off-putting demeanor and quizzical sentence structure has affected their ability to learn in a typically basic science lab.

“He’s a really nice guy and he’s clearly trying his best, but every time I ask him a question his answer is so long and complicated I end up more confused than before,” said Public Relations major Anne Shelly. 

“I have no fucking clue what he’s talking about half the time, but the last PhD student really wasn’t any better at explaining basic concepts than this guy is, so whatever. I’m just glad I changed this course to Pass/No Pass before the deadline because I already know I’m bombing this shit,” said Senior Business Administration major Bryce Bubble.

As Dornsife’s Troll TA program is projected to reduce the university’s spending deficit by 0.8%, the School of Cinematic Arts is now in talks to replace all its professors with vampires who can only teach classes past 7pm.